my youtube channel

I know myself. Not completely I am sure, but I have come to peace with a couple things at least. I am almost entirely introverted. I revel in being alone. I need it actually, to make sense of things. That alone time is something really lacking in my life right now. Teaching is great, and I truly love seeing my students, but it expends energy in my life, not creates it. By the end of school I am completely wiped out. Being introverted doesn't mean that a person wants to be alone by the way. I do love talking to people, mostly people that I feel comfortable around though. Touchy people, you know, people that touch you when they talk to you; put their hand on your shoulder, hold your arm, hug you... they're actually my favorite. Knowing that they are comfortable enough with me to do that makes me feel comfortable with them, and being comfortable around people is something that is difficult for me. I should actually write one of these posts about what its like to be introverted. This post isn't really about that though. Introversion used to be a problem for me when I fought against it. Now, I just accept it. I know myself. And even then, I do things that even I wouldn't expect. One of these things is performing music. 

I think I took it up at first to hide behind it. But now it's a big part of who I am. There is something really intimate about playing music; knowing a group of people so well that you can anticipate what they are going to do next. Beyond that, and I know that this might be reaching for some of you, but there really is a spiritual element to music, and playing it with others. You are one thing for a while, and that is pretty cool.

So... I have this youtube channel. This, I think, is the most massive anomaly in my life. I know a lot of performers, people that want the limelight. They need their stage time. Youtube seems like a natural outlet for that, and I am sure that for some people that is exactly what it is. It isn't for me. I actually made my first video five years ago to try to find people that wanted to play together with me. It worked too. I covered a Mumford and Sons song. That video is my most popular as far as views go. It has (let me check...) almost 10,000 views now. Crazy... I think I just played it at the right time. It was just as they were becoming really popular. After that, other musicians started trying to contact me. There is this community of musicians there. Its funny, I find the whole thing .... quaint? 

I play music for my church, Cana Community Church in Worcester, and our pastor just messaged me yesterday to try to learn and cover "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper. It is a beautiful song. So, I started perusing youtube to see how other people had covered it. There are good ones and not good ones, people who play it as pop and folk, metal, R+B.. In their living rooms, on stage, in their cars, with instruments, without, on and on. They are all just giving it a shot. Just like me. Here... I will post that first Mumford song that I played a while ago. Forgive the video quality, I didn't have much to record it on back then. 

So there I am. Trying to play it right. Seeing what my take on it will be. Here is another girl taking a shot at it in her bedroom. And here is somebody playing it on solo piano. Here are two guys recording it in a studio. Here's a guy on electric with a bunch of effects. We are all working on this song... kind of... together. I have had a ton of people contact me, thanking me for working out the chords, asking me for help learning how to play it, telling me that they want to do it too.  Hell, I even had some girl call me cute! :) The point here is, this is working for me. I like putting myself out there in this way and I never thought I would. 

There is a lesson in there. Pushing past safe boundaries can have rewards that are worth the push. I see my own kids struggling with their own... probably inherited... introversion. Nora wants so desperately to be an extravert, but she has to put on this persona in public that certainly isn't her. Honestly, I think she picked it up from chain watching Disney pre-teen sitcoms. Henry is so shy with people in school that he barely picks up his head, just a slight tilt and a mumbled (getting lower all the time) "Hi.. Hello.." I get this. And thank God, I also get that sometimes it is ok to push past it. That there are things there that might benefit them in ways that they couldn't imagine. Be an actor Henry, it's ok, that's not the real you on stage. Take up choreography Nora, you won't have to speak to a single person with words, just movements. Walk up into the spotlight, grit your teeth, and do something that you wouldn't. Just to see what happens. 

It's actually more difficult for me to post these videos of myself here, for people who aren't trying to perform to look at and draw conclusions about than it is for me to put up there on youtube. All of that though is easier than trying to muddle my way through small talk at a Christmas party with people that don't know me. We all try to reach out in our own way, maybe this is mine. 

So, here is another more recent one. I like this one. I learned it for Jenny, and it says things that I believe are true about the world, and about me.